Personal

Crazy Like The Wolf

Barking dogs and barking thoughts keep me awake

The barking!

Ruff, ruff, grrr …

Insidious, relentless …

Rufff …

Loud enough to wake me.

Again.

But there is no sound outside.

The barking is in my own head!

I think …

The real barking has woken us both a few times recently … our neighbour’s house dog, late at night in their back garden, opposite our bedroom window … snapping us from our deepest slumbers before being let back in.

Quiet, polite folk, our neighbours, and we don’t want to make an issue of it.

But has it come to this … brain on howl alert, nods off, and starts his own yapping … just to break the tension?

I float off into a lighter, darker sleep …

More of a trance, where I am both dreaming and thinking.

The barking starts again … it’s more of a howl now … and I can even “see” a thick-maned wolf on his haunches, tilting his head back and baying.

A lone, noble wolf.

And like this beast who lopes through the wilderness, alone and intent, brain is on his own journey. Through his own wilderness.

A journey of association and connection …

Delving deeper and deeper …

Roaming a land so familiar and so obscure, the forests and valleys of deepest imagination, and the pathways through them as diverting as they are revealing.

On the scent of something … what?

Tossing fitfully … the tendrils and brambles of imminent consciousness will soon cover over these tracks again if waking mind does not allow a moment of reflection.

Usually, what I am left with is a few rapidly disappearing glimpses from the full show, and which I decipher as best I can before their total disintegration.

Like an old newsreel going up in flames.

I think of B, the young guy where I work who is heading off to Mexico.

Alone.

A  lone wolf … unfettered, his itinerary only lightly sketched out.

If even that.

Eyes alight with the not-knowing.

The best part …

Thinking I could not even fantasise about doing something like that.

But hey, I did head off in my early 20s … on my own unscheduled odyssey.

Working a desk job at the time … dull work but untaxing, great people, football at lunchtime, poker on Friday … drinking, fun …

Then one Sunday, I’m in the family home and doing the dishes with my older brother — he’s washing, I’m drying …

He’s a school teacher and is going off to the Netherlands for the summer … wants to earn enough money to change up his car.

He’ll be staying on a campsite just out of town … going to work with an uitzendbureau … a work agency that fixes you up with casual factory work shifts …

“I’m going too.”

That was me said that!

News to myself as much as my brother.

I worked out my notice at work and joined him.

No trepidation … bring it on!

My brother worked for the summer, made his money and went home.

I stayed on …

Spent a year and a half there, two spells, moved on to France for a summer, back up for the winter …

Stayed away for over three years.

Wouldn’t do it now.

Couldn’t anyway.

But I’m thinking of that unfettered time … no mortgage, kids … nothing to anchor me to where I was.

But this is on the surface.

Below that, I’m reflecting on how I wasn’t suited to the travelling life.

Not comfortable with many people, until I got to know them.

Too choosy to really welcome the random encounters the proper voyager thrives on.

That dweller on the threshold of infinite possibility and direction.

Thought it was my fault. And it was, but I didn’t know enough about myself yet to be okay with who I was, and how I was.

Not extroverted enough to take people as they were,

Too desirous of like-minded people. People I was comfortable with.

A lone wolf who thought he was more gregarious than he was.

Shaped by his surroundings more than their shaper.

Primarily an introvert, who needed order and choice to be comfortable.

I didn’t know that at the time, but eventually, I realised I was not okay with being buffeted by circumstance and happenstance.

I had to come back to Ireland to find a decent career to anchor me, and allow me to shape things in some way.

And that’s how it worked out.

I know me better now, and am comfortable enough.

But a part of me is still restless, the lone wolf still prowling those hills and valleys of the what might have been had I embraced things differently.

Embraced myself.

And fearing my unaccomplished deeds and dreams have infected my offspring.

Especially my daughter.

She who dreams and paints and writes … but is reluctant to push herself into shaping her own possibilities.

Waiting for things to happen.

Wants us to do something, but thwarts our efforts when we do.

Wanting to be discovered or kick-started.

Like I waited.

Still do, in a way.

I know she is not me, and must find her own path.

But I do wish this beautiful she-wolf  roaming and restless, will find her own place.

Her own pack.

Herself.

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Shank You Very Much
Shank You Very Much
My Random Musings

 

About endardoo

A newspaper sub-editor for many years, I am now a freelance sub-editor, blogger and content writer. Husband of one and house daddy of two: a feisty and dramatic 16-year-old girl and a bright, resilient football nut of a boy aged 14. My website: endastories.com.

24 comments on “Crazy Like The Wolf

  1. It’s strange seeing your own behaviours in your children is’t it? I already see some things in my son and always imagine how like me/my husband he is going to turn out!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s good and bad, I find, Helena! I hate seeing thinks I’m not mad about in myself manifesting themselves!!! Mind you, I probably take a bit too much pride in their achievements!! Hehe

      Like

  2. I guess there is a lone wolf in every one of us. I see this trait of mine in my sons too.

    #GlobalBlogging

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Travelling is something I’ve never done or desired to do. Although, I have thought about it. When my chance came I chose to stay near my family and now I wonder how things would have been different. But, it’s no use thinking of the what if’s and I think my wolf will roam along in my dreams until the end.
    It is so strange how you hear things in your sleep though. I often wake to noises that I’m not sure are real, but there is such a thing which is actually called exploding head syndrome, which I have. It sounds nasty, but I’m so used to it now and it’s not as awful as it sounds. I’d swap it for a barking dog though. As for the kids, my older two have done lots of roaming, my daughter has been to the USA alone! I could never have done that, I guess they take after their Dad even though he left when they were so young…nature, not nurture.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think that wolf can travel in many ways, especially that one in your head, Anne! I do know people who are curious and interested without having travelled the world!

      Like

  4. Tracey Carr

    I often think back to my twenties and the things that I wanted to do but never did because I was too reluctant to take the plunge. Like you put so aptly Enda, I wish someone had kick-started me because that is precisely what I needed. I hope your daughter realises her dreams and remember it is never too late to realise yours – at least that is what I tell myself ! Even if I do have to wait until my children get bigger! #globalblogging

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sure you’re realising some of them now … blogging to the world! Thanks for your kind thoughts, Tracey; Im sure my daughter will find her way!

      Like

  5. Tracey Carr

    Back for the #dreamteam !

    Like

  6. I’ve never had a desire to travel but I do like the idea of going off to live in another country for a while and experiencing a different culture. I’m glad you took the opportunity to do so and I am sure that your daughter will discover her own path and the way of allowing that lone wolf inside herself to roam where she needs to go. #WotW

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I travelled a lot when I was younger. I always enjoyed the journey. Usually travelling alone. First solo foreign journey at 12 years old. I was desperate to put down roots as an adult, which I did, but deep down I’m ready to go again. Eldest has inherited the travel bug for sure. #wotw

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve never travelled, I’ve not even been out of the UK but my girls want to. My youngest is already planning her life and how she’s going to live in Japan. She’s 12 but has big dreams and I think a bit of a lone wolf. x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. How hugely that important that adventure was to you – if only to discover that your are not a wanderer! I love to travel, though I’ve only made it out of my own country once since there is just SO MUCH country here. I love the random people I meet. I love the random food I eat. I love the random places that weren’t on any list. I guess it’s very fortunate because being a military wife requires moving to strange places! But now I’ve found a home and I hope to make it my forever place… and then travel so that I can appreciate it each time I return. #GlobalBlogging

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Tracey Carr

    Back for #bloggerclubuk !

    Like

  11. Thanks for sharing with us on the #DreamTeam Enda. What a fascinating tale of travel and self discovery. Part of most of our teenage and early twenties do tend to be about self discovery. I am sure your daughter will find her path as you did. I have found that I only ever see the qualities in me that I am less keen on in my children. I am sure that they must have gotten good stuff from me too though 😉

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  12. I think that’s one of the hardest parts of parenting. The watching and hoping they’ll find their own way without too many bumps in the road. #ItsOK

    Like

  13. Firstly I am so impressed at how your love for your daughter shines out of this post. We are all a mix really. I am such a scaredy cat and then I can find myself doing courageous things too. Nice to know you shared France with me if only for a little while and in another era. #nolinky

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, she’s a work in progress and things are getting better. She’s delighted today as she got her equivalent of her O levels results, and she did fine. Especially the A grade in Art. She is a creative and this really pleased her — and us!Yeah, France was great, and I still am in touch with the guy I worked with as a builder!

      Like

  14. Enda. I found this resonant and more moving than I could have imagined.

    Thanks and regards

    Thom

    Liked by 1 person

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