I think my Revolut app is disappointed in me.
I know it is
Telling me every so often I haven’t used my account recently.
Sending me messages, reminders and offers.
Generally keeping tabs on me.
The other day it tried to be a bit more subtle about my less than resolute Revolute behaviour:
‘We’d love to hear your thoughts about Revolut’s bank top-up experience.
The whole team batting for me, eh?
Gunning for me, more like.
The Revolut Team haven’t actually said they’re disappointed — I mean, I’m not paranoid, or anything — but you just kind off know when your app is not pleased with you, don’t you?
Okay, the Revoluting starts right here
Paypal is not crazy about me either, I’d say.
It too tells me every now and again I’ve got funds in my account.
Like I wouldn’t know I’ve got the enormous sum of €79.89 floating around the ether, begging to be released?
Spent and topped up.
Rinse and repeat.
So why are the Paypal nuncios telling me this?
I’m hardly Sting, whose accountant nicked £6m, or something like that, off him over 15 years, and the ex-Police man hadn’t noticed this blight in the fields of gold until he received an anonymous tip-off.
Or Lennie Cohen, up a mountain chanting and contemplating while his chancer manager down below on earth cleaned out his bank accountant.
Hallelujah, she chanted, as she took him for millions.
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor get rich, the rich get poor
Could have had his own temple built with those lost shekels, on his own mountain, diamond-encrusted Buddhas, the whole works …
At least it led to all those beautiful autumn years concerts, and the elegant doffing of his fedora after an evening of chanting and musical contemplation in the grounds of Dublin’s Royal Hospital my wife and I will never ever forget.
And then there’s Dropbox the other day, emailing me in that imperious way.
‘It’s time to upgrade your account’
‘We noticed your Dropbox is almost full. Your files will stop syncing once you reach maximum capacity’.
Who’s this ‘we’?
The whole multi-national Dropbox corporation?
Or just one bored dude trying to flex a bit of muscle?
Okay, Dropbox people, I’ll sync about it.
Thing is I haven’t used it in years, and only installed it to use for a writing project I was engaged in.
Okay, Dropbox Team, I’m sorry I never wrote, never told you I am not actually using it these days.
I mean I barely knew how to use it in the first place.
And ever since, I’ve just left it there in case I need it again.
So who is controlling who?
All these nifty apps, insinuating themselves into my life, all those colourful hot-link call-politely-but firmly-for-action buttons, and all that this amazing app or that impossible to live without one can do for me, with minimal effort on my part.
Just keep the funds topped up, and my file capacity up to the mark.
And now I’m thinking, Revolut is cross with me, Dropbox and Paypal too, and they might stop letting me use them, if I don’t shape up.
Thing is, I’m already feeling like the Queen … I mean King of England as it is … no longer paying cash for anything, even pints now, just tapping and pin-numbering away, and Revoluting the odd €20 to my daughter to cover her taxi-fare after a gig.
You sign up, and then it starts getting complicated …
Like you can’t just use the same, handy-for-you password anymore.
No, it has to have an asterisk and a number, and your mother’s favourite cat — and then you have to change it after three months anyway.
I look at my phone and scan down a wall of apps, half of which I forgot I even have, and others I can’t remember what they are for.
Must delete them, only I’d be afraid I’d delete the wrong ones.
Hold onto them like my dad used to keep all that stuff on his bedside locker, …plugs, wires, nails, golf tees. He’d stuff his sports jacket pockets with this stuff by day and deposit it on his dressing table at night, for when it might come in useful …
Is there an app for paranoid app users?
An app therapist of radio and TV fame?
Because, like I say, I think my Revolut is disappointed in me.
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