Let The WKD Games Begin

 

That wicked brew WKD Blue just blew my best chance ever of winning my version of an Olympic gold medal — successfully activating my €5 off €35 shopping voucher in my local SuperValu supermarket branch. 

And once again shattering with it my dreams of finally nabbing that cyber fiver.

And so, no sharp fist-pump and little euphoric victory jig for me as I bring my €35 worth of stuff to the counter. Trying to be as nonchalant as rower supreme Paul O’Donovan as I thump my basket up to the right of the cash desk, my smile subtle but unmistakeable as I take a silent bow before our lady of the till. My heart rate returning to something approaching normal as we exchange those knowing looks. Her so proud of me, knowing what it has taken me to get this far.

My own version of the victory podium the centre aisle as that dastardly five euro is slashed from my total, consigned to the cyber dungeons. Making my ridiculous impulse buys almost seem judicious and prudent.

But alas, the wait goes on.

Oh how I’ve tried … and failed — not always better. 

No, no, I’m not talking about the bulk family shop. It’s the one where guys like me pop in for a bottle of water and some paprika, and 10 minutes later struggle up to the counter with water, a box of Cornettos, a family pack ham, six-pack of lentil crisps, and all I can hold in two arms — and no paprika.

I get my Supervalu app ready on the phone, and there it is again, my €5 off €35 Shopping Voucher. And so my mildly deranged Supermarket Sweep has been quite worthwhile, and even sensible, actually.

God knows I’ve been longing for this moment for so long … all those whimsical sausages and blueberry yogurts and sneaky custard donuts bought — and never even near the €35. And another €5 off €35 Voucher unused.

Tell me, filthy rich SuperValu shareholders, just how many of these €5 off €35 vouchers just lie there forgotten and unactivated, in your IT Neverland, your computer systems graveyard of unwanted, useless vouchers?

You lousers ever thought of adding the totals together, so the little guy, like me, could, say, get a fiver off on every fourth bill?

Course you have … but you just couldn’t resist rubbing it in, could you? Kicking a man when he’s been down the aisle once too often and arrived at the desk with €27.90 worth of goodies in his basket. 

A failure. Again.

All us poor rubes who pay for their billion euro profit shares with our hundreds of little basket purchases — when we do think of grabbing a basket — but, like Bogie almost said in Casablanca, my thwarted voucher quest doesn’t amount to a hill of yellow label beans in this crazy world.

Or it doesn’t to you guys anyway.

BUT NOT TODAY! I just knew my combined spend had to be near the magic €35 threshold.

See, this time I was sure I had cracked it. Standing there all Daniel Wiffen confidence wafting off me, as the nice smiling woman called out the final total: ’€34.34’.

She just stayed smiling, ignoring my subtle raised right eyebrow suggesting she be a brick and even it off at €35.

Hah? No worries, I said to myself, as I nonchalantly reached for a Wrigley’s spearmint chewing gum and popped it on the counter for her to ring through and finally open that sesame cave of bargain treat delights.

Something was still up though. She pressed various buttons on the screen, even consulted her colleague nearby, but the golden button would not be confirmed.

And then it dawned on her: the WKD Blue I had purchased for my fun-loving daughter was alcohol — and not eligible for SuperValu’s €5 Off €35.

The bloody hypocrisy of it: taking your money for the alcohol and stuffing it into their already bulging profits, and then coming on like New Age Anti-Alcohol Evangelists doing their bit to promote sensible coma-level binge drinking, or stop it, or whatever, and penalising you, the little guy, on top of it all.

Jesus wept, I felt like downing the WKD Blue myself when the moment of truth arrived and I was denied entry to the paradise of €5 redeemed. 

This Gorm Dána as we call WKD Blue in the Irish language, cost €6, and I was just so deflated, passed by all the other runners, and no gold medal — no medal at all — that I did not have the heart or the energy to hold up the queue while I ran off to frantically identify and purchase something costing €6 or more.

Tis a WKD game you play, SuperValu. I will be back.